A step back to move forward
by Axle09
Summary: Faced with a dilemma, Hachiman decides that in order to move forward, he needs to take a step back.
1. Chapter 1

**Y**

* * *

Let me get this straight.

I'm not a fan of romance, and I'll never be one in the future. I find it hard to believe that high school students think they can find romance in their teenage years. It's completely unrealistic, the chances of finding your 'significant other' during this age is so slim, fat people envy it.

But they refuse to accept it.

Why?

It's because human beings are delusional creatures. They trick themselves into thinking that love is just around the corner, that they are fated to find love no matter what the circumstances are, that love is like those they find in trashy novels. Love and romance became commercialized, and the dullards fell for it.

I hated romance, I hated love and anything else connected to the two.

Now I'm not saying that I'm morally superior to them. I was once like them, in the sense that I too believed in teenage romance. But all of that changed, whether it was for the better or for the worst. After the initial change of my screwed up morality I began to detest the two. People tried to change my view on it, but that only strengthened my hate for it. There was nothing remotely romantic in my life.

At least that was what I thought.

* * *

It was around four months before my high school graduation when two girls confessed their feelings to me. No girl had ever fallen in love with me before, let alone two. I always thought I'd never get confessed to in my life, and yet here I am, facing two teary eyed girls on the brink of bawling out on the floor. I knew they had feelings for me, there were signs, and I just didn't know whether theirs was romantic or platonic. So I had to make choice, even though I didn't want to.

Two roads diverged, one twisted and cold, the other straight but led to a cliff. Both straying away from the other. If I chose one the other would be left behind, and that would be the end of their friendship, our dynamic.

Destroy in order to gain.

I didn't like it, not one bit. Yes, I'm a hypocrite, after all those times I criticized Hayama's efforts in keeping the status quo of his group intact, I found myself in the same situation. Well, his was fake and mine, as far as I know, is real.

I didn't want it to end like this, so I chose none. Instead of choosing a road to walk on, I decided to walk backwards from whence I came. It was the most logical thing that came to my mind at the time. I thought that it was better if they stayed friends, than one being with me and the other left out to rot. I knew that neither could take being left behind.

But I could.

I removed myself from the equation. They ended up staying friends and I, I was left to my lonesome. It was okay though, I was used to being alone. People said I would regret it, and regret it I did. But the thought of what it could have been did not overcome what it is now. Yeah sure, their relationship with each other was strained but it was still there, and that is better than nothing. I'm sure both of them are not happy with the situation, and so was I. But I convinced myself that it was for the best.

* * *

Graduation came. The day went as smoothly as I hoped it would be. Nothing really happened, a couple of ceremonies here and there, you know, the usual stuff. People were exchanging greetings, hugging and crying. While everyone was in groups and doing whatever normies do, I was near the exit, alone. Being an antisocial pariah I continued to wallow in loneliness during this time of celebration. I quickly made my way through the exit, hoping to avoid any unwanted attention, but alas, that didn't work. On my way out I was blocked by a couple of people, people I didn't want to see. No, I didn't want to see them because of hatred, it was quite the opposite really.

"Hikki…"

"Hikigaya-kun…"

They both said with longing.

I don't wanna deal with this right now.

"Make it quick." I replied with a commanding voice.

"Umm… Hikki you see… Yukinon and I wanted to congratulate you on umm… graduating." Yuigahama said while looking down and twiddling her fingers. I turned my gaze towards her companion. It was weird seeing her usually cold and demeaning stare mellowed down into something much more melancholic.

"Congratulations to you two as well." I said as I started to walk away.

"Hikigaya-kun, why are you being like this?" Yukinoshita asked.

The sound of her voice was enough to make me stop moving.

Using her words like a drill, she continued to pierce the rocky exterior of my heart.

"I didn't know you were this cowardly." She said, quickly replacing the melancholic look on her face with a disgusted one

"You wouldn't understand." I quickly replied.

"What do you take me for Hikigaya-kun? I think I'm smart enough to understand the thought process of a lowly being like you."

"To think that I confessed to you just a couple of months ago. What was I thinking?" She continued.

Yes, what were you thinking.

Sensing the tension between us two, Yuigahama tried to diffuse the situation. "So… Hikki, do you wanna come along? Yukinon and I wanted to go eat a restaurant, you know, like a going away celebration of sorts?" She smiled shakily.

I put on a fake scowl. "I'm sorry Yuigahama-san, but those types of activities are for close friends. I'm merely a classmate, at best, an acquaintance. So I'm sorry, but I refuse your offer."

I walked away. I never looked back. I couldn't, no, I didn't want to look at them. I never saw the shocked face of Yukinoshita, I never saw the smile fading away from Yuigahama's face. I knew they were there, I just didn't want my last memory of them to be in sadness.

…

Someday, I'm gonna regret this.

Line

 **AN: Hey there, author here. You might be wondering why deleted the last fic, well… lets just say I didn't like where it was heading (if it even was heading somewhere). I made this fic as a revision of the first one, the first one being atarashi sutori. Also sorry if it was kinda short, I mean, this is only the prologue. I was going to upload this 2 days after I deleted "Atarashi Sutori" but it got delayed. Got projects and exams and all that crap.**

 **I accept any kind of Criticism, it'll help me become a better wtiter.**

 **Ps: English ain't my first (not even my second) language!**


	2. Chapter 2

Change

* * *

The cold winter air blew about, nipping at my exposed skin. Pink dusted my face as I huffed out frozen air.

I stumbled about, aimlessly walking the streets of Tokyo. Why was a loner like me walking the streets of Tokyo? I don't know, honestly. I just… felt like it. I'm not a guy who goes with his gut, that's not me. I like to think things before I act. What I am doing now contradicts that no?

 _Well, I did save that dog_. [1]

Getting tired from my stroll, I started the long journey of going back to my apartment. Staring at the starless night sky, I started wondering on how I got here.

These past few years have been hellish, to say the least. I barely scraped out of college. A few days in I realized college wasn't built for people like me. All those group projects and activities took a toll, especially since I'm a self- proclaimed loner. Luckily I was smart enough to pass everything else. I did waste a lot of my time studying, all those sleepless nights were a hassle back then.

In the end, I did graduate.

Graduation in college for me was anti-climactic. I did all the ceremonies, received my diploma and all that crap. Parents you ask? Nowhere to be found. Komachi? Well she came for a bit, and then just left. Very uncharacteristic of her I know, maybe she was under a strict schedule from my parents, at least I hope so. We still talk to each other every now and then, but it's not like before. She used to act cute and sister-like back then, talking to her nowadays is like talking to my mother, so mature. Well I can't blame her, time changes everyone and everything, there's no denying that.

Did time change me? Well… only in some aspects. It didn't change who I was, but it did change what I am, confusing, I know. You, see people used to see me as a creep, a pervert, and other profane things that I won't bother mentioning. But now people see me as some sort of obscure celebrity, why'd that happen? I wrote a book that's why. I am a self-published novelist, a silver lining to the stress college imparted on me.

I became an overnight success in the literature industry. Critics started calling me the J.K. Rowling of the east, due to my ever increasing popularity. My book spread out to different countries, from major ones like America and Britain, and to minor ones like Chile and Zimbabwe. It got translated into 22 different languages also.

The book was a cynical and satirical novelization of my high school life, how'd that get famous, I'll never know. Maybe it's because of the fact that most, if not all teens of this current generation are more in favour with cynicism and pessimism. I don't know what happened to them, maybe it's a trend of some sort, or maybe they just think it's 'cooler' or something. What do they call it again? Hipstar? Hipster? Ah I forgot.

Heh, had I been born a generation late, I'd be Hayama.

Ugh, I wanna punch myself for that.

Without notice, I arrived at my destination. My apartment. Unlocking the door, I entered. The heater giving off a blast of warm air towards my body. The apartment's elegant and fancy design reminiscent of that of a luxury suite. I took off my coat and hung it on a chair. Propping myself on the couch, I turned on the television. Got nothing better to do so I might as well watch some T.V. I could do something productive, like writing material for another book, but laziness was a hard bitch to get over.

Flipping the channels I noticed nothing good was airing right now. I settled for a news channel. The buzz of the channel caused the T.V. to roar to life.

"Good evening Tokyo city! Shimada Toshiro here with the news!"

I continued to listen with mild interest.

"Japanese soccer team as a wild card in the 20XX Summer Olympics? Leading scorer and Captain Hayama Hayato says it's quite possible, given that the Japanese team have been great these past couple of games…"

Disinterested, I stood up and walked towards the fridge. Grabbing a can of MAXX COFFEE, I returned to the couch. I continued to listen to the T.V.

"… In other news, Hikigaya Hachiman's aptly named book, My Teen Romantic Comedy Is Not What It Seems, or Oregairu for short, has seen its popularity skyrocket in the South East Asian region, especially in the Philippines and Indonesia. This should be a relatively big boost to the already massive fan base of the book…"

 _The Philippines and Indonesia eh? That should come in handy_. I thought as I sipped from my can of MAXX COFFEE. Yeesh, whatever happened to you MAXX COFFEE _? You don't taste the same no more. A little less sweet and a lot more bitter, whose great idea was this?_ I thought sarcastically.

The sound of the doorbell resonated within the room, cutting my train of thought. Checking my wristwatch I noticed that it was 8:30 in the evening.

 _Who could this be? Who visits at this hour?_

Shrugging my shoulders, I decided to ignore whoever it was ringing the doorbell. Sitting back on the couch I tried focus on the T.V.

The incessant ringing continued.

 _Ah, come on!_

I sighed a huff of defeat, slowly walking up to the door to discover the culprit. As I reached the door I hesitated, a nagging feeling at the back of my head telling me something's wrong. Turning the knob slowly, I started to open the door.

Please don't be a murderer, please don't be a murderer, please don't be a murderer!

I braced myself from whatever happened to be outside.

Only to find that it wasn't a murderer, it was someone much, much worse.

Yukinoshita Haruno

* * *

"Hello Hikigaya-kun!"

Well this definitely caught me off guard.

"How did you get here."

"Oh no need to be crude Hikigaya-kun! Nee-san just wanted to check on you." She said.

She probably has some hidden agenda. There's no other reason for her to visit me.

I sighed "What do you want Yukinoshita-san?"

"Like I said, I just wanted to check on you. Is there something wrong with that?" she said as she entered my apartment. There **IS** something wrong with that.

"Got to say Hikigaya-kun, nice place you have here." She said as she continued to observe the surroundings.

"How did you find me?" I inquired.

"Cutting to the chase I see? That's so you Hikigaya-kun!" Damn it woman, I don't have time for pleasantries.

"I was nearby and I thought I should visit you." She said with an innocent-like smile adorned on her face. Had I not known her other side I would fallen for that smile.

With a sigh, I continued. "That doesn't answer my question."

Well we are talking about Haruno, knowing her she must've pulled some strings here and there in order to find me.

"You should really try to hide your address more carefully, being a world famous author you must have some crazies following you around right?" I do get mobbed by a couple of fans, but that's about it.

She continued. "And besides, I just looked up where you lived on the internet. Popularity does have some negative side effects."

 _Damn, how much information does the internet have about_ _me?_ Sometimes I think the internet knows more about me than I do myself.

I sat down on the couch, gesturing her to do the same.

"Such a gentleman~"

Ignoring her comment, I looked at her. She still looks as ravishing as ever. Time had done her good, she hasn't changed one bit. Well except for the shiny, golden ornament she had on her finger.

"Who's the (un)lucky guy?" I unconsciously asked.

She looked at her finger. "Oh this, just some business junkie my parents wanted me to marry." She said without a hint of emotion.

She got married? This defies the rules of nature!

Well, it is an arranged marriage, at least I think it is. I mean, who'd be crazy enough to marry her? But wait… if she's married then this complicates things won't it? If someone saw her entering my apartment especially at this hour, god knows what could happen. I could already see the headline for tomorrow's news; Married politician found meeting up with a famous author, assumed to be cheating.

And the week after that; Famous author found dead near an alleyway.

Paparazzi's a bitch.

Shaking those thought off, I said. "I don't know whether to congratulate you or be afraid for that guy's wellbeing."

"Oh don't worry about that Hikigaya-kun, everything's all well and good." she paused. "Besides, that guy's going to get what's coming to him." She answered vaguely.

A chill went up my spine. "I fear for that guy's life, whoever he is."

She narrowed her eyes and spoke in a seductive voice. "Oh don't worry about him Hikigaya-kun, I could care less about what happens to him. The only thing you should be worried right now is this sexy Nee-san sitting in front of you."

"I'm sorry but I'm not interested in adultery."

"Eh? Instant answer?" she chuckled. "I always knew you were into someone else."

I'm not interested in someone else, heck, I'm not interested at anyone at all!

"Keep telling yourself that Hikigaya-kun."

Huh? Did I say that out loud?

"And here I thought you, Yugahama-chan, and Yukino-chan had a thing going on in high school." She said.

I kept quiet.

Noticing my silence, she continued. "Or maybe I was wrong."

"Ara, did the great Hikigaya-kun harbour feelings to Yukino-chan?"

I looked away, trying to shove away the incoming memories. "No I didn't."

She smile nefariously. "Keep denying it Hikigaya-kun. It must've hurt when you left them behind didn't it?"

"I didn't leave them behind, rather, I let them leave me behind." I rebutted.

"Oh, that doesn't matter now does it? Someone got left behind and everyone got hurt." She said as she broke her façade.

Dealing with the real Haruno I chose my words carefully. "We're okay now, that's what matters."

"Ah, result oriented as always huh? You haven't changed one bit Hikigaya-kun." She replied.

She stood up and came closer, her nose almost touching the tip of mine. "You don't care what happens to you as long as they stay happy correct? But did you ever wonder why they were happy?" She paused. "They were happy because of you." She dropped the truth bomb.

I stayed silent, mulling over what she said. _Is it true what she said? Were they happy because of me? Did I do the right thing?_

"No matter, that is in the past now, I can't do anything to change it. There's no use thinking about it now." I replied.

Like dabbing alcohol to a wound, she continued. "Yes, it is in the past" She pinched her fingers "but can you really live with yourself knowing you were this close to finding the thing that you call 'genuine'."

She looked me in the eye. "You can't. No matter how hard you try, you just can't. It'll haunt you till the end of your days."

She stepped back. "Are you ready for that Hikigaya-kun?"

Was I ready for it? Well, there's only one answer to that.

"No."

I'm used to being alone, I'm used to being left behind, I'm used to being the scapegoat.

But this was different.

This was the thing I had wanted, the thing I had worked so hard to get. It was here the whole time and I just disregarded it, and for what? The false hope that everything between them will just be okay if I left them?

Amused by my answer she smiled. "Good, cause they need you now more than ever."

My face contorted, confused at what she said. "What do you mean?"

"Both Yukino-chan and Yuigahama-chan are dealing with hard times right now, and frankly you're the only one that can help them." She said as she started going out.

I scrunched my eyebrows, getting more confused.

She drops a card on a nearby table. "This has my number on it, call me if you decide to help out."

She closes the door, leaving me in my lonesome.

The buzzing of the television surrounds the room as I mull over what Haruno said. My mind was in utter disorder.

Noticing the can of MAXX COFFEE on my hand I decided to take a swig, thinking maybe this will get the jumbled mess that I call my head straight.

…

It doesn't taste the same.

* * *

 **Notes:**

 **[1] Hachiman saved Yui's dog Sable during his First day of highschool.**

 **An: I don't own oregairu.**

 **Criticisms are accepted, it'll help become a better writer.**


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